So, why on this green earth, do women insist on wearing decidedly unflattering things?
Especially on cruise ships? My cruise ships to be exact.
Trace and I took a little jaunt on Carnival this past weekend. I know last year I wrote that I’d never take Carnival again (the trailer park of all the cruise lines), but the price was so good, I spent three times it at the spa! Don’t care what you say; I’m doing my part for the economy! Last year’s trip was quite the nightmare. But, I have to say, they redeemed themselves this time around. Not only was the crew friendly and actually offered to do some serving, but the ship was clean and the class of folk most improved. We skipped on the show (ship entertainers doing gospel just doesn’t sound right, does it?), but we did make the art auction (free champagne, need I say more?) and hit the dance floor on multiple nights.
One thing we didn’t do was take pictures of some truly clueless women. Since Cam killed my camera a couple of months ago, I’ve been debating what to do. Buy a new one with greatly improved zoom or live with the two cameras in my smart phones, neither of which is very good and one doesn’t have zoom or flash (Apple, that was a BIG mistake). So, to make a long story short – we just don’t have any pictures of this what not to wear cruise. It’s not like we take a lot of pictures anyway, but man, I sure was puzzled by the number of women I saw this weekend who really seemed to have no clue as to best play up their assets and downplay their flaws.
For instance, Ndel’s bathing suits law #1: only 10% of us look good in two pieces, otherwise known as a bikini. Yes, I know you just lost that 20 pounds (and I seem to have conveniently found them on my tummy), but really, have you looked at your stomach lately? No? Let me get you reacquainted with it, and it’s stretch marks (those 20 pounds left you a little present!), it’s dimples that only a million sit ups a day will ever make go away and that bulge the kid left ya with. That’s right – you may be thinner but your stomach – the thing you’re showing off in that two-piece is not the prettiest it’s ever looked. Believe me, I’m looking at it. I sincerely wish I wasn’t. And I’m not even picking on the muffin top bikini wears, cause that’s a sin I was saving for the blue jean portion of this manifesto.
Ndel’s bathing suits law #2? Ladies, there are companies out there that make suits with lift. As in up. Lift up them puppies. Heck, I have tatas that must weight 10 lbs each and I found something to give me a bit of foundation. Avoid sagging at all costs! If you’re ass sags, get one of those fashionable skirt suits. Please do not wear a strapless, high thigh cut suit. I beg of you. Do not wear one of those one piece backless numbers to try to get out of this rule. That is a two piece suit masquerading as a one piece. If only 10% of women can safely wear bikinis, only 10% of the 10% can wear those man eaters. And I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that’s probably not you. So just go with me on this one and spend a little time and maybe a little money (Loehmann’s carries all kinds of suits at great prices) to play up your strengths ladies!
As a matter of fact, my current suit (by MiracleSuit) plays up my twin assets (considering I have no ass) quite nicely, while helping me reign in this belly of mine. I still have my hips, so I achieve an hourglass shape – which is what women should want to do. Curves, ladies, curves! Two piece suits just don’t give you curves if you don’t naturally have them. And let’s face it; most of us don’t. Do not fall into the trap that two-pieces are sexier or make you look younger. They do not. Leave them for the 10 percenters who need as much oxygen to their brains as possible. Go with dignity. Go with camouflage. Go with color. Besides, leaving a little to the imagination is inherently sexier than letting it all hang out. Right guys?
Ndel’s bathing suit law #3? Bring a cover up. A sarong. A sheer, long shirt. A sheer skirt. Linen pants. Anything. Oh, and a hat. Cover up when necessary. I don’t want to see your sagging tits, stretch marked stomach and bleached out hair over the buffet; it’s already not that good. Your presence looking like that makes it downright upchuckable.
So, now it’s dinner time. And you’re wearing… What are you wearing? Those princess cut dresses only look good on a very thin frame. One you don’t have. Oh, and the long sundress with plunging necklines? Fine for smaller breasted women – or women who know where to find strapless bras. What’s up with you? Nothing, and that’s the problem. Never heard of strapless? And those clear straps don’t count. And for those of you, who wear your clubbing outfit to dinner, just make sure it’s appropriate for both, okay? If you are wearing a tight, short dress – that’s fine, but can you sit at the table and not show your stuff? Or when you’re dancing, does it ride up? Listen, can you not show your stuff? That’s the question. I know your man might want to see it (might not, never know), but I’m pretty sure he’s not down with all the other guys seeing it too. If you have to pull at something constantly, pass. Really, throw it out. It’ll do you no good.
And at the club, please, please, do not wear your short negligee with a slit up to the top of your thigh. I don’t care if you are wearing a g-string. You look like an inflated kewpie doll with an attention problem. Scandalous is the adjective; tacky is the verb. Or those hip hugger jeans when you are not leaner than Kate Moss (see muffin top above). Don’t have an ass (like me)? Stay away from low-slung jeans. They are not your friend. Who told you they were????? And even if you do have the body, please do not wear a cut-off shirt with half your fake boobies hanging out, k? It makes the rest of us feel deficient and fearful that a fight will break out amongst the men. Spare us the drama. Besides, you’re pulling it down all the time, so it fits squarely in the throw it out category. Unless you’re not pulling it down, which means you’re a slut and you wear what you want. Just don’t come crying to the rest of us when the rest of you sags, but your breasts are still perky.
And let me close by reminding my sisters that weaves need maintenance. If you’re not going to do it, you might want to rethink that hairstyle. And just remember, a woman with a nappy weave is never envied; only laughed at. Trust me; I do it all the time. You do not have to have long hair (at least not surgically attached to your scalp). Short hair is an option. People ask me all the time why I cut my hair and potentially scared off my soul mate, cause as we all know, men love long, luxurious locks. Well, it’s cheaper, very little maintenance and I can always wear a wig. When I had long hair, I could never have short hair. But now that I have short hair, I can have long hair as long as there’s a Korean wig shop in the neighborhood. I find it liberating and inexpensive. Plus, I can hide from the bill collector when I need to. I realize it takes a strong man to love a woman with shorter hair than he. Obviously, I need a strong man and that’s okay.
In short, we all have flaws. I have flaws. You have flaws. It’s okay; no one is perfect. We’ve got to accept them and go about a deliberate campaign to erase, hide or camouflage them when we can. When we have a zit, we medicate and cover. We should have the same philosophy when it comes to leisure fashion. Medicate with champagne, play up your strengths and be the life of the party without trying too hard. You’ll have fun, meet cooler people and feel better about yourself.
Next time? The online dating profile pictures women should never respond to.