1.21.2008

I Want Sex

And who doesn't?


I'm especially troubled by the net noise espousing that the only ideal life for a BW is marriage. It's not that I am down on marriage, heck, I used to be married. I don't begrudge anyone who wants to be married and I don't discourage them either. Well, that's not true. As a rule, I am against marriage before the age of 28 for either party – and that includes gay marriage as well, if we ever get around to allowing them to express their love on paper like the rest of us. I think that adults should be able to marry who they want. I don't even have a problem with plural marriages. If someone wants to share the cow or the steer, who am I to deny them? So, let's get that pesky little talking point out of the way – I like marriage. I am not against marriage. I am against dumb ones.

What is a woman to do, indeed, a black woman (BW), when a suitable man is not in the immediate future? Should she shut down or only seek out relationships that will lead to the golden egg of marriage? Now, according to some self-described interracial (IR) bloggers (IRB), BW need only pursue relationships with marriage as the end game. Every one cannot be a winner, more than 50% are indeed not, what's a woman to do? I know what men do, but I'll leave that for male bloggers to tell. Also, according to the IRBs, the best way to find the path to marriage is to eschew BM in favor or WM, as WM tend to marry women at a higher rate than BM (not as many baby daddies I think the rhetoric goes). I bet they have a bunch of statistics and numbers in addition to anecdotal stories to back up their claims as well as their advice. And that's all fine and good. But my question is this – what is wrong with BW also asserting their sexual freedom and being happy single women? I know that the argument goes that over 70% of BW are single, so the conversation is about moving that number lower. But really, what is wrong with being single in and of itself? Is the problem single motherhood? These days, motherhood is a choice. Women do not have to be mothers at all. But being single? Ah, well, you need two to tango for more than one night for that, now dontcha?

Disclaimer: I am a mother – by choice. However, I am also single – by choice.

I have not yet found the man to be my partner in life. I have not met that special man who is willing to buy a stranger a drink. It could be me or it could be them. All I know is that no one's asked and I haven't accepted less than what I hope to be a long lasting, rewarding relationship on the order of soul mate. That does not mean that I haven't met men who are smart, funny, humane, thoughtful or giving. My singleness is my choice. It's safe to say that most women can find a man. The real question is the man she finds the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with? I think, unfortunately, many women (and men) get excited about the idea of marriage, the thought of not ending up alone, that they rush into a commitment that should not be taken lightly. Hence, the high failure rate of such pairings. I say, let's take a breather; let's think about this to see if indeed that person is THE ONE. My single status is because I want to be sure. And in the meantime, hate to be crass, but I've got needs.

Don't you?

There's no Mr. Right on the horizon, so I'm okay with Mr. Right Now. Or, at least I am in principle. At the moment, I'm holding fast to single Ndel with a little karmic insurance. I am actively crushing on, ya'll know, Mr. Casablanca, so I am purposely putting my dating hat up and taking out my vibrator. And this too is a choice. I no less respect a woman who decides that if the one she wants at the moment is unavailable to her (yet), she will make use of a man of her choice who is. And make nasty, dirty, sexy use of him without regret, shame or apologies. I don't see the problem. Heck, it's been something I've actively practiced for years. The only problem I do see is that women, especially BW, are commonly vilified for such choices. I think the reason Sex and the City was so popular is that it successfully dealt with women looking for Mr. Right but not necessarily passing up a Mr. Right Now.

Dating (make no mistake, by dating, I mean fucking) Mr. Right Now while waiting to meet Mr. Right is completely acceptable, in fact can be liberating. How else does one learn to separate love and sex? That's something women are told constantly – that we cannot separate the two. We are feeling creatures. We must have a deeper level connection with a man… Now, I don't want to brag, but there has been plenty a man that I have gotten nasty with that I didn't love or fall in love with and maybe didn't even like afterward. Stop thinking evil thoughts now, I'm just being honest. We are so brain washed into thinking that in order to have sex we must be in love that we indeed force feelings on men that we might not otherwise be into. I mean, we fucked him, so we've got to love him, right? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

No, we fucked him, so we've get to…move on. Yup, with our eyes open and our hearts free. However, if he's a good fuck, I suggest you keep him around a bit; winter nights can be long and lonely. Plus, why should a woman spend her extra change on great dinners at Bastide when someone else's credit card will do just fine?

Excuse me while I get my flak jacket; it's right next to my vibrator.

9 comments:

Reasonably Happy Gal said...

The longer I am celibate, the less I want *it.* And that scares me. I don't want to be that woman who can take or leave sex.

I hope something develops with Mr. Casablana. Not for the sake of sex, but because I am just anxious to read about it.

Ndelible said...

Happy Gal ~~

I know what you mean! I was celibate for four years!!! Four LONG years. What is happening to you, happened to me. After a while, we just start to forget about it. I think it is a defense mechanism. Imagine how bummed we'd be if we actually remembered how awesome sex can be??? When I broke the spell, gurl, I was horny beyond belief. I started to wish for celibacy again. Okay, not really. Yet still, having abstained for four years, I know I can go a few months without a little nooky.

As for Mr. Casablanca, today we christened our update calls on his way home. Since he's a busy guy and has to fix my stuff, I try not to bother him at the building. BUT, I sooooo want to. I have to remind myself that the man has a job to do and I should not be bothering him just to see his smiling eyes. So, we came up with this periodic call to exchange information. It's a great way for us to get work done and for us to find out each other, subtly.

Today, I found out that he belongs to one of those international timeshare groups. He's gone to Fiji, Spain, as well as locally to Vegas and San Diego. He also told me about that trip to Miami for New Year's. Funny enough, the rapper/actress Eve was also staying at their hotel. Dunno, either he likes her or he thinks I might. LOL.

I'll find out more, and, I have to admit, I really enjoy learning about him. And I too hope that something develops, even though he can never, ever read this blog, it sure would be a good story with editing!

Lovebabz said...

Sister,

I am having these conversations with my Sister-friends. I dream of sex. But I am not so sure I am ready for sex. My husband just left in July so for me it's still too soon. However my friends say I should be ready to atleast talk to another man romantically by Spring. (Sigh) I liked your post about this. You covered a lot of ground. Given me a lot to think about. I think I am going to devote all of February blog posts to love/sex/etc. hhmm. Keep posting on this topic---it is worth further exploration.

Clarice said...

Empowerment is about choices that are in the interest of personal sovereignty. Each person has the right to determine what works for them and work it w/out remorse or criticism and censure from others. It is great to see a woman who is happy doing what works for her and encourages others to do the same. Accepting and acknowledging that different strokes for different folks as long as only works if everyone is happy!

Ndelible said...

Babz~~

Take your time, gurl. Go at your own pace. The physical longing can be punishing, but if you're in the right spot for yourself, that's the best.

Clarice~~

I think we don't talk enough about women's choices. We think it's all one way or another. Bottom line - whatever makes you happy!!!

Lovebabz said...

Oh and I forgot to mention I LOVE that picture--wherever did you find it? Oohhh Baby!

Ndelible said...

Babz~~

I know!!! Isn't it scrumptous!!!! You gotta love Google... I just put in "sexy male torso" in images and up it popped. I think I stole it from another blog. But I thought it accurately reflected my longings. Plus, in my mind, that's exactly what Mr. Casablanca looks like under his overalls. He told me yesterday that he's got some butt (for a white boy!) He's so yummy, I can hardly control myself. To hear about problems such as being wide around the chest and small in the waist makes me wanna holler. For a man to need to have his suits tailored (yes, he said suits) and shirts... We talked shopping yesterday. He dropped several hints that I could have taken up (but didn't - darn me), about not shopping much but wanting to know where. Gosh, I'm so dense sometimes. What am I going to do with myself? The weekends are the worst. I am so tempted to call him. Soo.... This is misery at its best.

CapCity said...

Came via Babz spot:-)...yea, this is inDEED a conundrum for me - want sex, want marriage, want GREAT sex & that "CAN't GET enough of ME" kinda LOVE in a marriage - is that too much to ask?

gotta comment on that chosen photo - ummm, can i get a li'l extry (i need more meat w/ my potatoes;-)? LOL!

Ndelible said...

capcity ~~

Welcome!!! I hear ya - can't get enough of me!!! That's what I want too.