6.10.2007

Insane in the Blog Game

Sometimes in life, you just have to put people down, out of your mind, remove their links and get back to figuring out important things, like how to get a date at Cut. For the last two days, I have been posting comments on another blog about interracial relationships, specifically of the black female (BW) - white male (WM) variety. My views there were not popular. I find that funny since I’ve dated interracially all of my life. I mean, my first crush, in kindergarten was on Peter Chen, an asian (AM) classmate. Man, he was really good at kickball and he was so cute! Probably still is -- good at kickball that is.

Me, I’ve never cared who dated whom, racially speaking and have never been bothered by black men (BM) dating white women (WW), although I know that many BW are. And it’s no secret; many BW offer very loud condemnations of such relationships, including BM marriages to BW of lighter complexions. I couldn’t care less. Those relationships have never bothered me. I didn’t care who BM got with; why should I? In my mind, it’s all about me and who I get with.

I should back up.

A few months ago, I ran across this blog that I thought was about BW who date/marry/love WM. I was so excited because I have never seen me on the screen; a BW who likes men, many of whom turn out to be white. I eagerly went to any movie that held the promise of a BW in an IR pairing (whatever the race of the man). I mean, Mission Impossible 2 and Romeo Must Die were big deals for me! So, I’d read the blogger’s posts every so often, but man, I checked out every link of pictures of BW/WM couples; the reason I found the blog in the first place, was that I was Googling George Lucas’ date for the Oscars. I was like, “I think dude’s got a black date!” Anyway, that was how I found the blog, seemingly a blog that addressed the very issue that kind of obsesses me.

I never posted a comment, mostly because I hadn’t yet come out of my writing hibernation. But I also didn’t post because I detected this underlying distain of BM. Many of the comments to her posts were filled with, what I thought, was an obsession to put down BM. There were disclaimers that the BM being put down were only what they called, “damaged beyond repair”. Oh, but the ugliness, the bile, the gross generalizations were a bit much for this gal to stand. And since the blog was about BW with men other than BM, I didn’t get the reason why it was discussed ad naseum.

Well, that hibernation finally passed on Friday when I thought, why are these women so mad and why do they debase their selves so by hurling these insults at someone they profess not to want anyway? So I posted a comment that I thought was pretty optimistic and urged the women to focus on positive and not on the negative. I gave some of my reasons for why I think quality/marriageable BM are in shorter supply than men of other races (incarceration, early death, lack of education, etc), said I thought all races should mix and generally was Ndel.

You would have thought I was defending Claus Barbie the way women went off on me! First, I was a “mammy” making excuses for the DBR BM. Then, I was a DBR BM pretending to be a BW. Last time I checked, I was a woman again, but a woman with admitted failed relationships and not one marriage to my credit, plus a single mom without a man in the picture. I went from insulted (mammy?) to amused (a man?), to annoyed (what the fuck?). To clarify, the examples of relationships I had given were from a 20+ year period and a marriage was included in it, although I didn’t identify which one it was. Did I need to explain myself? Clarify my situation? Did I need to respond? Did I need to dress down that beotch?

When I probed further, I realized what really pissed me off was the criticism of my being a single mom - one with no man in the picture. That cut. I’m 38 years old. I had a very happy accident that is my Cam and I know that I did the rightist thing in my life when I said, “I’m going to have it”. But for the record, I don’t have a man in my life; but Cam does. His father is very much a part of his life, even if he isn’t a part of mine.

I had a choice to make. Go back to that blog and throw down or just ignore the ignorant. Already, many commenters had made it clear that they didn’t appreciate my questioning their negativity, no, their meanness and suggested I go chastise BM who are bashing BW. The Blogger even made a new rule that anyone who questioned these sistas’ experiences and wanted fairness on her blog, had better first go to the heinous BW bashing sites, chastise them; it would be investigated.

Ouch.

I barely wanted to deal these whack jobs, why would I want to spend my time with even more of this kind of thick headedness? I will say that think it is fair to be even handed in calling out venom spewing wherever found, but the first site I went to hurt my head it was so juvenile and crass. I couldn’t get through one subject. I had nothing to add to that circus. Then, I thought I would put up the original offending post and all those subsequent that quoted me here.

But thank goodness, I chatted with my girl Tracy over leftovers from our Sex & the City & Drinks & No Men soiree the day before and after reading some of the more, shall we say, provocative comments, she put it in perspective, “these women are mad that they had to change their game plan and seek out WM when what they really wanted was a BW, but he was taken by a WW. Don’t sweat it.”

Okay, I didn’t know if this was absolutely true in every case, but hey, it sounded good to me! I was feeling some kind of duty to try and be reasonable with these women. I didn’t have to. I don’t have to. I did not have to bang my head against a block wall. Cause here, at my blog, we celebrate ourselves. We bitch about the past but look to the future. We talk about possibilities and then try to think of ways to make them happen.

Let's all fall in love with each other!

Sistah Sara, I ain’t mad at you, not now. I remember that I’m a

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

-Maya Angelou
And you are too.

13 comments:

ChoCoLat said...

Ndel, you are on point! As a "serial IR dater" (my cousin's disgusted term for me, lol) I've frequented Evia's blog also, and the thing was, in the beginning, I was only reading Evia's blog posts, so I was clueless about the "bashing". Once I started reading the blog comments though, it was a whole 'nother ballgame!

I got the feeling it wasn't so much of a "black female for interracial relationships" blog, than it was a "I'm mad because black men would rather have a light/white/asian/latina/green woman than me, so I'll bash all black men, while constantly saying how much I love white men" blog. (lol)

Please don't even get me started on all the things said about light skin/dark skin people.

Long story, short, I'm so glad you've started this blog. I wish you much success. I've favorited your blog, and even though I'm not a techie, I'll somehow try to spread the word, by posting your link.

PS: I've also shared Evia's blog with others, and 100% have come away with your friend's opinion: those women are bitter because, plain and simple, black men are excerising their freedom of choice, and obviously, those particular females aren't fitting the bill. So they're "getting back" at black men by blogging about their love for white men. (smh) "If you knew better, you'd DO better." And you wouldn't feel the need to bash anyone.

Ndelible said...

ChoCoLat said..."I got the feeling it wasn't so much of a "black female for interracial relationships" blog, than it was a "I'm mad because black men would rather have a light/white/asian/latina/green woman than me, so I'll bash all black men, while constantly saying how much I love white men" blog. Please don't even get me started on all the things said about light skin/dark skin people."

Gurl, you hit the nail right on the head! I was taken aback, to say the least. I, like you, didn't read the comments in the beginning. I shared my blog with my two colleagues this morning and as they read, their eyes got big. They asked, "BM can't date light skinned women? What's wrong with that?"

Oh the politics of skin color in the black community! I felt stupid having to explain this.

I'm glad you're here. Please spread the word, there are Positive Serial IR Daters, shall we call ourselves PSIRDs????

Maybe not; can sound too much like turds.

Rae L. said...

Ndel, I have to say I feel the same way as you and chocolat. I was really happy to see a great haven and uplifting place for women like us who like to date men of all shades and are open to finding love wherever it may be. Chocolat said a lot of my feelings for the blog lately, it's become a really negative place where problems and issues are cycled, shared and perpetuated rather than venting and moving on from the subject. I thought we were speaking about bw issues but it turned out to be BW who have issues with BM in their lives forum.

Seeing that low jab at you, I had to come over and give you a BIG cyber hug because you have been a fresh optimistic voice of reason. Btw, the first pic of you on the blog is so beautiful almost like a painting and it's sad that some have to elevate themselves by putting down others. It just makes their ugly nature come to the surface.

Plus, I may be clueless but I never got the whole light skin dark skin thing. It just seems so trivial. People are going to date who they're going to date and frankly it's their business not mine!

Anyway, I'm glad you started this blog as well. If it's okay with you, I'd love to add it to my blogroll. Feel free to add me if you like. I'm jazzed that a really positive IR blog has started because I think the others have scared people way! Especially the few men posting positive, wonderful stories about their relationships.

So keep up the great posting! I'll definitely be back to read more. :-)

Ndelible said...

Rae I. said: “Ndel, I have to say I feel the same way as you and chocolat”

And then there were three.

“I was really happy to see a great haven and uplifting place for women like us who like to date men of all shades and are open to finding love wherever it may be. Chocolat said a lot of my feelings for the blog lately, it's become a really negative place where problems and issues are cycled, shared and perpetuated rather than venting and moving on from the subject. I thought we were speaking about bw issues but it turned out to be BW who have issues with BM in their lives forum.”

Exactly; had I figured that out sooner, I would have known that the place wasn’t for me. I don’t have any issues with BM!

“Seeing that low jab at you, I had to come over and give you a BIG cyber hug because you have been a fresh optimistic voice of reason. Btw, the first pic of you on the blog is so beautiful almost like a painting and it's sad that some have to elevate themselves by putting down others. It just makes their ugly nature come to the surface.”

BIG HUGS BACK!!!

Thanks, I really need it. In all my years of posting, I have never come across that kind of attack! It’s amazing how mean people can be.

My mom took the picture. I'll be adding some of her art work to the site as well. I'm not a techie either, so have patience while I change & add things.

“Plus, I may be clueless but I never got the whole light skin dark skin thing. It just seems so trivial. People are going to date who they're going to date and frankly it's their business not mine!”

I think that may be the main reason why our outlook is different from others; we are looking for genuine love, not some kind of fantasy that a perfect life will come to us by choosing one person from a particular racial group. I just felt it was silly to bash BM when each and every one of us on this earth is unique, an individual and our success or failure in love will hinge on our realizing this fact and choosing a mate accordingly.

“Anyway, I'm glad you started this blog as well. If it's okay with you, I'd love to add it to my blogroll. Feel free to add me if you like”

Oh please do, it will be great to have a truly positive place for IRers to congregate, share ideas, experiences and discuss anything under the sun. And who knows, maybe even birth a few love connections! I want to add you as well, but I don’t know how! Did I mention I’m new to this whole thing???

“I'm jazzed that a really positive IR blog has started because I think the others have scared people way! Especially the few men posting positive, wonderful stories about their relationships. So keep up the great posting! I'll definitely be back to read more. :-)”

Oh, yeah, I WANT men to come to my blog. Oh yes, really nice, cute ones who adore women!

Oh, and women are welcome too.

Note to self: figure out how to steer men to women on blog but not get left behind myself…

Phoenix_Sun said...

Hello, Ndel. I really like the look of your blog. Your pictures are gorgeous-love the pregnant belly! You have a beautiful son. I am an animal lover myself, your dog and cats are so cute!

I am now in a place of moving on myself. I am no longer preoccupied by things or people I can't change. I am single and got out of a bad six and half year relationship. I am loving my freedom! I love the process of learning to love myself more and valuing the diamond I truly am. I also want to read about black women in IRR's w/o the bm preoccupation. I love hearing from bw who share their own experience on where and how they're meeting men. I live in New York City. I am ready to take the steps of going out there just to meet men. I'm not looking for a life partner just yet. My problem was the first guy I was attracted to I'd just jumped into a long term monogamous relationship with him when I should have been dating all types of men (not sex) to find out what I wanted and what works for me.

When I read that low blow comment against your character and your son I was disgusted. It was just plain wrong and despicable. You never stooped to that person's level and gracefully bowed out. I commend you for that, you are truly a lady.

thelastnoel said...

Welcome to Blog Land!

Ndelible said...

Welcome phoenix_sun!!!

"Hello, Ndel. I really like the look of your blog. Your pictures are gorgeous-love the pregnant belly! You have a beautiful son. I am an animal lover myself, your dog and cats are so cute!"

Ah, schucks, thank you. I'm pretty proud of these little fellers, they make me so happy. I can't believe the smiles they bring me each and every day, including when Cam colors the tv screen, windows and floor with crayon or Ginger decides that the recycling can contents are tastier than her dinner!!!!

"I am now in a place of moving on myself. I am no longer preoccupied by things or people I can't change. I am single and got out of a bad six and half year relationship. I am loving my freedom! I love the process of learning to love myself more and valuing the diamond I truly am."

Excellent! How on earth do we forget our magic? And why is it so hard to remember it and then live it? The mantra I use is

"I AM FEARLESS"

I believe that everything in life can be boiled down to two motivations: LOVE and FEAR. Actions/decisions made in fear are never going to get you where you want to go. However, actions/decisions in love serve the higher good and will bring you peace and satisfaction. If you haven't read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, you should, very helpful for each and every situation in life. Also, "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. Both wonderful books that stress acceptance and letting go.

"I also want to read about black women in IRR's w/o the bm preoccupation. I love hearing from bw who share their own experience on where and how they're meeting men."

Yeah, me too, a hard man is good to find! I live in Los Angeles, and let me tell you, being surrounded by the beautiful people who (sometimes - okay, often times) don't have much going on in the head department, is tres frustrating. Some of my gal friends should start commenting soon and maybe they'll share how they met the various men in their lives.

"I live in New York City."

Gurl, I'll be there next month for a convention; maybe we should meet for drinks and see what's up with da men in NYC!!!! I hear from women who have lived in both cities, that dating in NYC is much better than LA, but not necessarily is the quality of men higher; they are just more apt to approach women out in public. I used to joke that since in LA you're in your car all the time, there should be some kind of system for you to call someone you think is cute based on their license plate!!!

"I am ready to take the steps of going out there just to meet men. I'm not looking for a life partner just yet. My problem was the first guy I was attracted to I'd just jumped into a long term monogamous relationship with him when I should have been dating all types of men (not sex) to find out what I wanted and what works for me."

And guess what? It's generally when you're not looking that you find The One! (note to self: trumpet you're not looking for The One; maybe date will follow soon...) When you have your mind straight and are working on yourself, the inner light shines through and voila! There is he!

"When I read that low blow comment against your character and your son I was disgusted. It was just plain wrong and despicable. You never stooped to that person's level and gracefully bowed out. I commend you for that, you are truly a lady."

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Don't know why it bothers me so much, but I am truly bent out shape with the women at that blog who profess to want to uplift BW but are so very mean and tunnel-visioned to anyone saying "let's take a different look at this". The women agreeing with the bile is even more disheartening. I have a hard time imagining any man worth his salt reading. Just as any blog/website that does the same to BW couldn't possibly be followed by any woman worth hers.

I say the way to repair the BW's damaged reputation is to show how imaginative, expressive, understanding, complex, intelligent, beautiful and compassionate we are.

We, as all women, are indeed more than that. We simply need to remember our magic.

Rae L. said...

Happy Loving Day, Ndel!!! Hope you're having an awesome one!

I love the dialogue going on here cause it just feels so awesome and supportive! Not to mention logical lol.

Looking forward to seeing some more of your mom's artwork btw! (But take as much time as ya need, no rush at all :-))

I'm up for helping ya brainstorm how get more men to the blog. That would be great to have a nice dialogue going between the men and women here (and it won't hurt at all to make a few love connections either :-D)! I'm a single gal myself so I'm on the lookout! Or maybe not looking because then he'll pop up lol.

I just realized you're from LA! Very cool! I'm in Az right now but I'm a So Cal girl at heart since I grew up there and have been homesick since I left years ago. LA was pretty awesome from what I remember as far as dating. I felt received better there than here and it's only recently that I noticed the vast difference here(where I feel like either a novelty or just plain invisible!), but I have heard that the best place for dating IR is either LA or NY. I noticed you said NY and I'd love to test out that theory sometime in the future! For now I'm trying to get back to LA and hope to find a nice guy in that area, if possible. (Who has as much going on in the inside as the outside)!

Anyway, I though I'd say how much I really loved what you said here: I say the way to repair the BW's damaged reputation is to show how imaginative, expressive, understanding, complex, intelligent, beautiful and compassionate we are.

We, as all women, are indeed more than that. We simply need to remember our magic.


So true! I think by just celebrating all of that within ourselves and setting by example (ignoring all the bad things that are said about us) we show through our actions that we are confident in our skin. A person can talk up and down the street about changing all of that and wanting it but until they show that they are comfortable and healthy within themselves, the actions will speak louder and disprove all the talk. It's interesting too because people definitely pick up on the vibes people give out, whether negative or postive.

Very much enjoying the dialogue here! :-)

Ndelible said...

Rae I said: "Happy Loving Day, Ndel!!! Hope you're having an awesome one! I love the dialogue going on here cause it just feels so awesome and supportive! Not to mention logical lol."

Rae, thanks for reminding me what today is! How absolutely fitting for the Lovings to have that name. And on Loving Day, we should indeed be loving! That means love our sistahs and brothas of all races and creeds! I am all for open dialog and frank discussion - do you know of any other blogs/boards like that? I'm starting to remember why I stopped going to ebony/ivory boards -- very silly; not very substantial and ultimately infiltrated by negative forces. Wonder why that is. Maybe we'll find out. But guess what? I have veto power over idiots, but I have to say, unless they are really abusive, I say we show them up with wit and logic!

"Looking forward to seeing some more of your mom's artwork btw! (But take as much time as ya need, no rush at all :-))"

Yeah, I thought I had much more scanned in, but I don't. And guess what? My scanner is broken. Ain't it always like that? When you need something....

"I'm up for helping ya brainstorm how get more men to the blog. That would be great to have a nice dialogue going between the men and women here (and it won't hurt at all to make a few love connections either :-D)! I'm a single gal myself so I'm on the lookout! Or maybe not looking because then he'll pop up lol."

I know! The bad part is that by advertising a blog/board you invite persons of questionable motives, but, I'm a big believer in freedom and that would be exercising freedom, right?

"I just realized you're from LA! Very cool! I'm in Az right now but I'm a So Cal girl at heart since I grew up there and have been homesick since I left years ago. LA was pretty awesome from what I remember as far as dating. I felt received better there than here and it's only recently that I noticed the vast difference here(where I feel like either a novelty or just plain invisible!), but I have heard that the best place for dating IR is either LA or NY. I noticed you said NY and I'd love to test out that theory sometime in the future! For now I'm trying to get back to LA and hope to find a nice guy in that area, if possible. (Who has as much going on in the inside as the outside)!"

Yeah, I've contemplated leaving LA a few times, but just can't get myself to do it again. I really question how open a lot of this country is -- I'm very progressive and get VERY frustrated with ultra conservatives. I think I'd have high blood pressure within a week in some places LOL! I think the hard part about dating in LA is that we don't congregate anywhere like in close proximity cities. That just gives you less chances to make that love connection!

"Anyway, I though I'd say how much I really loved what you said here: I say the way to repair the BW's damaged reputation is to show how imaginative, expressive, understanding, complex, intelligent, beautiful and compassionate we are.

We, as all women, are indeed more than that. We simply need to remember our magic.

So true! I think by just celebrating all of that within ourselves and setting by example (ignoring all the bad things that are said about us) we show through our actions that we are confident in our skin. A person can talk up and down the street about changing all of that and wanting it but until they show that they are comfortable and healthy within themselves, the actions will speak louder and disprove all the talk. It's interesting too because people definitely pick up on the vibes people give out, whether negative or postive.

Very much enjoying the dialogue here! :-)"

You are so right. And negativity can come from men and women, of all races and cultures. I think that we can easily become negative if we dwell on past hurts -- there's one of the agreements - "make no assumptions"; it means do not think that a situation or a person is going to be a certain way because in the past you have had bad experiences. Gurl, it's deep. I have posted the full agreements at the bottom of my page; they are so common sensical and valuable that they can help anyone start to leave the baggage behind.

So, for today, in honor of Loving Day, let's everybody drop our assumptions and allow life to happen to us instead of shaping it to our insecurities.

Phoenix_Sun said...

Hi, Ndele.

How cool you're coming to New York City. Is this your first trip? If so you will not be bored. This place has everything. It would be so nice if could meet up for drinks. When your trip draws near I can email you. It would be so cool if we could meet up with other sistas from this blog if they happen to be in town around that time. Is your convention at the Javits Center?

In NYC you will see a lot of interracial couples, mostly Asian women and white men. More and more I am seeing black women with white men. Most of these couples are educated professionals. I will agree with the quality of men, they are probably no better than other cities, but the advantage in places like New York is the fluidity.

When I get my master's, which will be at the end of the year, I am seriously considering moving to the California in the Bay Area. I went there with my ex in the summer of 2005 and fell in love with San Francisco, Oakland, and Berkeley. We also camped in Sierra Nevada. California is absolutely gorgeous. My second favorite place is Seattle, Washington. I would love to hear from sistas who live in Washington state. I have heard that interracial dating there is difficult for black women, but great for black men. I didn't notice any black women with white men when I was there but I did see the reverse. I'm sure that will change in the near future as both groups become better risk takers.

Ndelible said...

phoenix_sun said:

"How cool you're coming to New York City. Is this your first trip? If so you will not be bored. This place has everything. It would be so nice if could meet up for drinks."

That's what I'm talking about!!! We've got at least two nights before the convention starts to hang out; not that we won't want to hang out once the darn thing starts!

"When your trip draws near I can email you. It would be so cool if we could meet up with other sistas from this blog if they happen to be in town around that time."

Any NYC ladies out there???? I'll do a search to see if there are some positive ladies out there who date IR.

"Is your convention at the Javits Center? "

Yup, we're staying in Times Square.

"In NYC you will see a lot of interracial couples, mostly Asian women and white men. More and more I am seeing black women with white men. Most of these couples are educated professionals.

Sometimes I think it is educated BW/WM couples and then I will see others that most likely not professional. I think you see the BW/WM pairing most often in academia and the military of all places! Traditionally, Jewish men were the first to cross the line in substantial numbers and marry BW, so I thought have thought NYC would be the mecca.

"I will agree with the quality of men, they are probably no better than other cities, but the advantage in places like New York is the fluidity."

Yup, more men, more chances!!!!!

"When I get my master's, which will be at the end of the year, I am seriously considering moving to the California in the Bay Area. I went there with my ex in the summer of 2005 and fell in love with San Francisco, Oakland, and Berkeley. We also camped in Sierra Nevada. California is absolutely gorgeous."

My friends of color say that there is a strange faultline up there - it's very progressive, but people of color (with the exception of Asian) are missing out on the dialog. I can't recall seeing many BW/WM couples when I've gone up there.

"My second favorite place is Seattle, Washington. I would love to hear from sistas who live in Washington state. I have heard that interracial dating there is difficult for black women, but great for black men. I didn't notice any black women with white men when I was there but I did see the reverse. I'm sure that will change in the near future as both groups become better risk takers."

I thought I read somewhere that Seattle was the best place for IR dating, but you're right, it might not have meant for everyone. I did meet two gals from up there a number of years ago and they said that in Seattle, I'd get a WM - heck a MAN, no problem - and he'd marry me! Obviously, I never took them up on the suggestion to relocate! Maybe I should have. Who knows.

Oh, and my boy Chris P (as opposed to CeeJay - Chris J), said he checked out the blog last night and loved. He will be posting here; he will inject some much needed some testosterone! Chris is one of those WM who likes WOMEN and will date those he finds attractive. In other words, a good guy!

Ndelible said...

I just wanted to correct an earlier statement - I welcome all who are interested in positive IRRs - including our gay brothas and sistahs of all races!

Amber said...

Hello My Dear!
Nice site...:)

Love,
Amber