Me, I’ve never cared who dated whom, racially speaking and have never been bothered by black men (BM) dating white women (WW), although I know that many BW are. And it’s no secret; many BW offer very loud condemnations of such relationships, including BM marriages to BW of lighter complexions. I couldn’t care less. Those relationships have never bothered me. I didn’t care who BM got with; why should I? In my mind, it’s all about me and who I get with.
I should back up.
A few months ago, I ran across this blog that I thought was about BW who date/marry/love WM. I was so excited because I have never seen me on the screen; a BW who likes men, many of whom turn out to be white. I eagerly went to any movie that held the promise of a BW in an IR pairing (whatever the race of the man). I mean, Mission Impossible 2 and Romeo Must Die were big deals for me! So, I’d read the blogger’s posts every so often, but man, I checked out every link of pictures of BW/WM couples; the reason I found the blog in the first place, was that I was Googling George Lucas’ date for the Oscars. I was like, “I think dude’s got a black date!” Anyway, that was how I found the blog, seemingly a blog that addressed the very issue that kind of obsesses me.
I never posted a comment, mostly because I hadn’t yet come out of my writing hibernation. But I also didn’t post because I detected this underlying distain of BM. Many of the comments to her posts were filled with, what I thought, was an obsession to put down BM. There were disclaimers that the BM being put down were only what they called, “damaged beyond repair”. Oh, but the ugliness, the bile, the gross generalizations were a bit much for this gal to stand. And since the blog was about BW with men other than BM, I didn’t get the reason why it was discussed ad naseum.
Well, that hibernation finally passed on Friday when I thought, why are these women so mad and why do they debase their selves so by hurling these insults at someone they profess not to want anyway? So I posted a comment that I thought was pretty optimistic and urged the women to focus on positive and not on the negative. I gave some of my reasons for why I think quality/marriageable BM are in shorter supply than men of other races (incarceration, early death, lack of education, etc), said I thought all races should mix and generally was Ndel.
You would have thought I was defending Claus Barbie the way women went off on me! First, I was a “mammy” making excuses for the DBR BM. Then, I was a DBR BM pretending to be a BW. Last time I checked, I was a woman again, but a woman with admitted failed relationships and not one marriage to my credit, plus a single mom without a man in the picture. I went from insulted (mammy?) to amused (a man?), to annoyed (what the fuck?). To clarify, the examples of relationships I had given were from a 20+ year period and a marriage was included in it, although I didn’t identify which one it was. Did I need to explain myself? Clarify my situation? Did I need to respond? Did I need to dress down that beotch?
When I probed further, I realized what really pissed me off was the criticism of my being a single mom - one with no man in the picture. That cut. I’m 38 years old. I had a very happy accident that is my Cam and I know that I did the rightist thing in my life when I said, “I’m going to have it”. But for the record, I don’t have a man in my life; but Cam does. His father is very much a part of his life, even if he isn’t a part of mine.
I had a choice to make. Go back to that blog and throw down or just ignore the ignorant. Already, many commenters had made it clear that they didn’t appreciate my questioning their negativity, no, their meanness and suggested I go chastise BM who are bashing BW. The Blogger even made a new rule that anyone who questioned these sistas’ experiences and wanted fairness on her blog, had better first go to the heinous BW bashing sites, chastise them; it would be investigated.
I barely wanted to deal these whack jobs, why would I want to spend my time with even more of this kind of thick headedness? I will say that think it is fair to be even handed in calling out venom spewing wherever found, but the first site I went to hurt my head it was so juvenile and crass. I couldn’t get through one subject. I had nothing to add to that circus. Then, I thought I would put up the original offending post and all those subsequent that quoted me here.
But thank goodness, I chatted with my girl Tracy over leftovers from our Sex & the City & Drinks & No Men soiree the day before and after reading some of the more, shall we say, provocative comments, she put it in perspective, “these women are mad that they had to change their game plan and seek out WM when what they really wanted was a BW, but he was taken by a WW. Don’t sweat it.”
Okay, I didn’t know if this was absolutely true in every case, but hey, it sounded good to me! I was feeling some kind of duty to try and be reasonable with these women. I didn’t have to. I don’t have to. I did not have to bang my head against a block wall. Cause here, at my blog, we celebrate ourselves. We bitch about the past but look to the future. We talk about possibilities and then try to think of ways to make them happen.
Let's all fall in love with each other!
Sistah Sara, I ain’t mad at you, not now. I remember that I’m a
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies